Rose McIntyre

Hey. I'm a little better today. Just trying to be gentle with myself. I'm going to Berkley for 6 days to see Amanda on Sat. So, I'm fukin stoked about that. I'm also getting my purse shit together so that I can pimp my shit while I'm up there. I'm getting 500 vinyl stickers printed with my logo and soon-to-be-website on them and I'm gonna go stickering. Also, I'm getting a mini portfolio together to take around to little boutiques up there and I'm sewing a bunch of purses. EEE, and I have three outstanding orders for vulva purses (the purse that looks like a vulva- super cute).
OOh, and, sorry if this is TMI, but I started my period today which was hella exciting cause I haven't had one since Xmas. And I talked to my most recent ex, Josh, today. And that actually went really fucking well. I actually totally see him as a friend again and like him better that way. AND I have the day off to play and be childish with Jessie. I think I'm gonna let my utterus lead me today... so I'm thinking boba and chocolate and then a sappy love film and maybe some sewing. Spring break fucking rocks. I love you all.

I wonder if I will ever stop feeling lonely. It feels a little too natural. Like I don't really know when I started feeling this way. I wonder if I will ever really feel comfortable in my skin for any prolonged amount of time. I'm trying to not make this feeling mean I'm defective or broken... or that something's wrong. I wonder if I'm depressed or just sad. I feel like I'm not supposed to tell people I feel like this.. Like they'll worry. I wonder if I will ever really feel like I belong completely... I do sometimes, but it seems mostly non sequitor... Like I'm not really sure what equation of things or people of circumstances equal me feeling a part of.
Don't worry about me. I'm not broken. Or fragile. Just sad. I don't really know why except that I guess I'm still just learning to sit in the awkwardness of single life. I want the day to be a 24 hour orgasm as I heard it so poinantly put. I get this by smoking, eating, sex... whatever. I'm trying not to do that. Trying not to run. Even though I want to. I want to blend in. So people don't notice my pain. So I don't have to bare the embarassment of people knowing I don't have it all together... or heaven forbid, people seeing me cry. I feel like everyone else knows something I don't... Like how to do this thing called life. Like how to live and thrive as a happy, productive member of society.
I feel like I just wanna be loved, but I know that's not it... that's just a quick fix, another way for me to run. What I really want is to know how to love myself. How to take care of myself. How to enjoy my own company. Maybe I should just act as if. Do the things that people who love themselves do... What is that exactly? Take baths? Journal? Eat well? Exercise? Believe in my dreams? Drink tea instead of coffee? And not smoke? Meditate? I don't really know, but that's what I imagine such people would do if such people existed. I imagine her to drink wine and paint her toenails... but that's right out, at least the wine part. Anyway, I've rambled enough. I should sleep.

The Universe is making it abundantly clear that I'm not dating because I'm choosing not to. I don't really know why. I feel like I want to date. Like I'd like the companionship without the commitment.
Guys keep expressing interest, but it goes nowhere. Or I won't be interested in them. I guess I'm scared of hurting them as much as I am of being hurt. I really would love to just date casually and make out every once in a while, but I feel like I don't really know how to do that.
There's this guy that I've known for a really long time who has a really big crush on me. I don't know him very well, but I'm terrified of even getting to know him better. I feel like a fucking lethal weapon. I don't like hurting people or being hurt. And right now it feels like that's the inevitable end of every dating situation.
And there's no way I can date you if I really care about you cause then I'm just gonna hurt you and you won't like me or want to be my friend anymore.
I'd switch to girls, but I feel like they're just more complicated.

I couldn't convince myself to sleep last night. Nor could I convince myself to do anything productive that wasn't just a tactic to avoid being productive in the way that I should have been. I did all my laundry. I responded to an ad on craig's list looking for a singer. I only did two of the five homework assignments I set out to do though.... and I didn't sleep.
I've been questioning my alcoholism. For those of you that don't know much about alcoholism, it's the only disease that I know of that tells you that you don't have one. I know this and still I want to drink. I want to scream. I want to smoke. I want to bleed. Anything just not to feel this moment.
I'm working with a sponsee after school today. We're both on our first step (me for the second time around). I'm so worried I'm going to fuck her up. What if she drinks and it's my fault? What if I drink? I know what it's like to have a sponser relapse. (she died driving drunk).
I'm nearing 21 and a drink hasn't sounded so tempting in a really long time. I keep trying to turn it over. To surrender to this vast and beautiful universe, but before I allow it the opportunity to make any real difference, I snatch my will back self righteously. I guess I'm angry. I guess I'm pissed. I guess I want God to take this pain away now. To shed some kind of clarity in this moment. Not tomorrow. Not in a week from now. NOW. I guess that's why the alternatives sound so nice. Oblivion in this moment.... Ahh, but it does sound nice.
I'm isolating again. I do that when I'm sad. It's easier to be alone. To wallow in my self pity. Allow the emotions to swallow me whole. It's easy to use the excuse that I'm busy. I'm not really. I mean I have a lot to do, but I'm filling the empty spaces with nothing to make sure I stay that way.
I know that this is all self inflicted (that's how I like it). I don't ask for your pity. I don't even ask for your understanding. I just feel like maybe if I get this out on paper it can stop ruling my mind. Maybe I can be free from this utter insanity if only for a moment.
I wish I knew what I wanted. What I really wanted. Unfortunatly, it's not a black and white answer. I want both. At the moment, I want anything but this. But that isn't fair and you deserve better. You deserve more. More than I have to offer. (at least at the moment).
I just have to breath. And keep thinking "Remember you're lovely..."

I'm so lost. I have a million different answers to a couple simple questions. They all contradict and overwrite each other and I wish I knew which were real, but I don't. And it's a maze between my ears to you and that is why when you look in my eyes you see a world unknown. It's all unknown to me today. And I trust and I pray that one day I will know the answers to my questions. Until then, there is reality patiently waiting for me to stop pretending it's not there. Good night and goddess bless.

You may have noticed that I haven't written in this thing for a while. Since before Kevin and I broke up to be precise. Well, we're calling it a break. We're going to talk again on the twelvth and decide whether we staying together or breaking up. I honestly don't know which it will be.
I guess I haven't written because I've been so confused about where I stand on the whole thing...
I do know one thing though. Whether or not Kevin and I get back together, he's an amazing guy. Whoever he ends up with will be a very lucky woman and I'm sure he will make them very happy (whether or not that's me).
In the meantime, he's free range for any who are interested. Don't worry, I won't resent you if you hook up with him. My only request is that no one makes out with him or is overly affectionate with him in front of me for a couple months.
So, I guess you're probably wondering why I broke up with him. Many people have asked this question and it's not an easy thing to answer. I do know that it really doesn't have anything to do with him. Again, he's an amazing person and frankly, the best lover I've ever had. I guess I'm feeling restless in life and a little overwhelmed by all the stuff I have going on. I feel like it would probably be good for me to not be tied down right now. And no, that isn't just a nice way of saying "I want to fuck other people". That isn't my intention at all. I'm not saying that that won't happen. I'm just saying that's not what I intend. I am going through a lot of growth in a lot of areas of my life right now and I feel like it would probably be best to be on my own for this part just so that I don't lose sight of my objectives or get caught up in my codependency.
In case you're wondering how I'm doing, I will tell you. Last week was much harder. Kevin played Frank and I wanted to gouge my eyes out. He was too pretty to look at without longing. My best friend Jessie came out from Arizona on Sunday and has been here all week. I've had a blast and she's here til tomorrow night. So, she's been a good distraction. Also, we got a foreign exchange student named Yamato. We have been becoming good friends. He's really cool and I'm really excited to get to live with him. His birthday is tomorrow and he'll be turning 21. We're having a party at my parents' house in Santee from probably about 5 or 6 until like 1o or 11. You are welcome to come. If you want more information, call my cell (619)672-1614. So, overall I'm having a lot of fun right now so I'm not thinking about it quite so much. I've also just been crazy busy between entertaining and moving into my parents' house. Tonight we went to Rocky and it was a lot of fun. Well, it's 5 am almost. I should sleep. Good nite.

"Cookies"

Cookies taste so very yummy,
Especially when they're in your tummy,
Cookies are such fun to eat,
Cookies are my favorite treat!
Cookies good with milk from cow,
Wish I had a cookie now!
Cookies come both round and square,
I like both kinds, I don't care.

(The poem makes Cookie Monster hungry for cookies and he procedes to eat the poem as there is no cookie nearby)

Am I the only one that thinks that Cookie Monster acts like he's strung out on cookies? When the rabbit that was presenting his poem didn't have a cookie to give him, I thought cookie monster was going to bite his head off. He totally acts like an addict.

I am sick and so I'm watching "Sesame Street" that I think is now called "Come Play With Me". It's so cute. I feel totally dorky. When I'm sick I like to watch Romantic Comedy girlie movies and little kids' stuff.

Right now they're pretending to be airplanes. It's over. I think I'm gonna watch something else, I feel a little too dorky... "Married with Children" it is.

Dude, Birthday sex and chicks rule. It's not even my birthday. Awwsome! I will have more to update about Kevin's birthday, (which is today), tomorrow. So far, it's fukin rocked though.

I am up later than I should be again doing nothing particularly useful. Mainly just avoiding thinking. Apparently, 2 AM, time of the Gods. I suppose there are things you should know about the past few days..

So, there I was nearly naked with the lights dimmed and porno music playing. Yey, for Special Uno. Rules are as follows: Like normal uno, except that every time you put down a wild card, you get to make up a rule. The rules stay in place from game to game. The rules are things like every time you play a 3, you must take off an article of clothing. Or every time you play a 5, you may bite a person of Amanda's choice, where Heather says to. It makes for an interesting game, highly variable upon the current company.

I don't really know what else to say except to say that my entire life is in a place of transition, which for an alcoholic is terrifying. I hate change, almost as much as I hate stagnation. I had a dream about relapsing a couple nights ago. Those are fairly normal amongst alchies. They always seem to be very realistic and I often wake up with remorse and/or wondering if I'm still sober or not. This one was different than the rest because I knew I was an alcoholic in the dream; I just didn't care. I drank til my belly was warm and my thoughts just slightly slurred. It was splendidly romantic. Relapsing has been dangerously close to the fore front of my mind ever since. I don't want to relapse, however, so I have been going to a lot of AA meetings and hanging out with fellow alcoholics and continuing my daily meditations. And yet I continue to feel nuerotic, fragile, and just overall insane. I guess I must stay in the moment and not worry about whether or not I drink tomorrow. Today, I am sober. Dramatic and significant, but sober all the same. And that is all that truly matters.

....GRAAAAAAAAIIIINNS!

T-Virus Zombie You scored 15 Speed, 15 Intelligence, 75 Strength, and 45 Stubbornness!

You're almost the stereotypical zombie. You're slow, stupid and extremely pathetic in one-on-one fights. Your true strength lies in numbers, surprise and your ability to mutate if left alone for a long time. You generally don't cause much of a fuss and seem to lack the ability to find mortals further away than a block or so. Not that you really care. It's all in the shambling and you excelled at that course. Your bites, scratches and otherwise physical attacks spread the virus to other potentional hosts, but somehow the main characters are immune to it. You're often underestimated though, and that can lead to some nasty wounds.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 1% on Speed You scored higher than 18% on Intelligence You scored higher than 91% on Strength You scored higher than 57% on Stubbornness

Link: The What Kind of Zombie are You Test written by TehHorza on Ok Cupid

I'm head zombie for Amanda's special cast so I thought I would take this to amuse myself. I still have to decide what kind of zombie I want to be... Perhaps I will spend July 4th watching our country get demolished by walking dead creatures a dozen different ways. Now, that's what I call patriotism!

The Tomato You made it! Your score is 24!

Now what is this all about, the undecided eh? Are you a vegetable? Are you a fruit? well the one thing we know is that you don't appreciate the lazy attitude this world is turning to. You like your time off to be well deserved and show a more active lifestyle than most. You could work even harder but why overdo it? Life treats you well because you respect its demands. Look forward to a propersperous future, you're doing everything right that you can.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 9% on veggy

Link: The are you a vegetable Test written by cactuscake on Ok Cupid

Las Vegas was way too much fun to put in one entry, so the entry obscurely highlighted happy events. Now I will go a little more into detail about the stuff that I feel deserves it. I will cautiously refrain from putting anything that envolves other people that they might not want others to know. I am not embarassed and I feel like I can be pretty open with you people, it's more out of respect.
So they shadowcasted Rocky Horror Picture Show on Sat. which was really amazing. They switched each character for the different scenes. At first I thought that might be weird, but it flowed surprisingly well and it gave the show a lot of energy because for the few minutes that each person was on they were giving it their all. Also, they started the movie in black and white (as I hear Richard originally intended) and then people colorful when the doors open and you first see the trannies. It was awsome, but the best part of that was that they redid their costume to be all in gray scale and put white face on. Janet even had gray hair! I was totally blown away. That was probably the best shadowcasting I've ever seen, which isn't to say that no one messed up; it just didn't seem to matter. Also, there were about 8-10 Columbias and Eddies and they all did the lifts. Amy (our fearless leader) was one of the Columbias. She did totally awsome. She told us that they didn't practice the lifts because, due to bad planning, the rehearsal time was at the same time as the costume contest. So, the fact that they pulled it off, it looked awsome, and no on got kicked in the head was totally amazing.
This weekend was also really liberating for me because I was naked and/or topless around cast a lot for the first time. No one had really seen my boobs except Kevin before that. Well, Keven and the people that were in the Booby Room at the last cast party. (Ha ha! I almost said cast meeting. I wish there were Booby Rooms at the cast meeting, then I might have to ditch my Mon. commitment). I had always said that the fact that they were mysterious made them more alluring, but I think that was just a cover up for my lack of confidence. I had actually convinced myself that's how I liked it, but it's totally not true. I feel way more comfortable around cast now that I feel like the people that were at Rocky Con accept my body as it is.
I kissed like seven people that weren't Kevin over the duration of the weekend. We had decided that kissing was free range for the weekend. I didn't do anything more with anyone other than Kevin, well *coughs* not directly. I think that's ultimately really good, though. It means that I'm still only being sexual with people I really care about (Kevin and my best friend, and the most beautiful woman I've ever known, Jessie). I was really surprised how many people wanted to kiss me. Mostly I think it was because I didn't really care if I kissed anyone other than Kevin for most of the time. It was totally good for the ego though. Ok, there is much more I want to say, but this entry is already so long that most people probably didn't bother to read the whole thing. So, I will say good bye and write again soon.

Vegas Rocky Con as brought to you by the letter S:
-Starting the weekend with a Booby Highway
-Semen vitamin that Laura craved
-Smarmy schemester with mullet at bus stop
-Sex next to hottie
-Stu's incessant ego boosting
-Spewing Amanda reminding me why I don't drink
-Seven people I kissed that weren't Kevin (all with permission slip in hand)
-Soledad, hot, but slightly nutty Israeli chick
-Sexy's first girl kiss
-Staying on the South Beach diet, (losing 20 lbs so far)
-Strange drunk boys fighting over me in random hallway
-Stares reminding me my reflection is not what everyone sees
-Seducing Sex Goddess Siren to come out and "visit" this week
-Staying up til 9 am on Sat., making the last night the best

Tonite was great. It was Amanda and Nicole's birthday on Friday so tonite we went to Bucca de Beppo's to celebrate. It was good times. I felt like crap in the beginning though because I was having caffeine withdrawals. I should sidestep to catch you up since I so rarely write in this thing. I am a vegan on the South Beach diet and I'm not drinking soda. Therefore, since soda is my main source of caffeine, I have not been getting as much as my body is accustomed to. Therefore, caffeine withdrawals. It all makes sense. The most crippling of my symptoms was my throbbing headache and unshakable coldness. So, (as I'm quitting soda, not caffeine), Heather, intending to give me Midol (which apparently has a lot of caffeine) accidentally gave me Tylenol Cold instead. Interestingly, it didn't start taking affect until we realized that it also had caffeine in it. Shortly thereafter, I became increasing hyper to the point that I felt like I was truly high on some new and interesting substance. Which is to say that caffeine has never quite affected me this way.
My newfound caffeine high inspired me to join Heather, Jes, and Neil on their unplanned journey to God-only-knows-where. We, which is to say Heather, decided that we should go to the beach. A brilliant plan indeed! Unfortunately there were no yellow lights that we drove through and therefore all pants remained on. However, Jes was thinking and looking sad while Heather and Neil rocked out to Aerosmith and I tried to pretend to be cool enough to know the songs. I kept looking over at her and she was looking so alone and I decided she needed cheering up. I asked her if she was ok and I don't really know what she said initially as Aerosmith was still blaring. I did however, clearly hear her say that she was just thinking. And so, as any good friend would, I threatened to make out with her if she did not stop. That did not deter her, even though she pretends to be straight, so I threatened to take off my clothes. She called my bluff and I decided that I should follow through so I took of my jacket, shirt, and bra and sat topless through the well lighted streets of Encinitas. Heather was too busy driving and Neil was too busy being emo to look. It didn't matter. It was really for Jes's amusement, and in that it was a success. I think that was probably the best ice breaker ever. When we got to the beach, we ended up wading out into the water together with our pants rolled up. There we proceeded to have a long, meaningful conversation. The water was warm and the waves sparked like glow sticks as they crashed. Our pants got very wet and we stopped caring. The seeds of a friendship were planted.
This is great timing. I'm beginning to realize how hard it is for me to trust people. I have very few close friends and of those that are close, most of them have left or are leaving. (Two of which are my roommates Kate and Joe who are moving out tomorrow. I'm very sad, but that is a tale for another day).
I want to take another aside to address the total rarity of my posts. I believe that this can partly be attributed to the aforementioned trust issues. For a while I was able to maintain the illusion to myself that it didn't really matter because people didn't really read my livejournal. This bubble was popped when I made a total fool of myself by making negative and immature comments about Kevin's ex girlfriend, Rebecca, of whom I know barely anything. It was totally childish and said out of jealousy. It ended up totally blowing up in my face as somehow she found it and read it. As you can imagine this experience was quite ego wounding and traumatic. Ultimately, it turned me off from livejournal to the point that I haven't written in it regularly since. Also, I've recently been noticing a pattern showing up everywhere in my life. I always have one foot out the door in every community that I'm a part of (even my family). This is a very painful thing to see. Truthfully, I believe this is hiding the fact that I don't want to disappoint people and I feel that I do. Sadly, it's really a self fulfilling prophecy. By not fully participating in any one community, every community feels disappointed that they don't really get to have me truly be a part of that community. Everyone loses. It frustrates, embarrasses, disappoints, and saddens me. I'm left unfulfilled and not truly feeling a part of any one community. Others, I imagine, are sad, frustrated, disappointed, irritated, and suspicious of me. This is totally not what I'm committed to. So, I'm taking on the challenge of being vulnerable and connected with people. This may or may not mean that I will start writing in my journal regularly and reading yours. I will make no resolutions, those are penny candy in my world. 5:03 and time for sleep.

it's weird... it feels kind of eerie... like the world's been inverted and turned upside down. the simple facts of life are no longer true. rocky no longer has sex. and kevin no longer has money. i have to trust that everything will work out, but it all feels so weird. so wrong. so backwards.

bleh, i'm sick. and a little bored and lonely.

I've been thinking about Rocky and how we have such an amazing store of seamstresses right now. I don't know that all of them would really want to sew for the cast, but I know that a lot of them would and I think we could really create an amazing prop/costume team. I have a lot of ideas. I think I wanna make a Prop Folder with stuff like prop movement, cast measurements, and an inventory of our props and costumes and their condition.

I'm really excited about my vision.

YEY!! My first post from my new lap top!!!! My parents rule!! This is the radest birthday gift ever!! I love her. Her name is Sarena the love machine.
I think I can safely say that yesterday was the best birthday thus far. I spent the weekend on a surprise trip with my boyfriend where I told him that for my birthday I wanted him to take me somewhere, book everything and not tell me where we were going. He brought me to Julian. It was rad. I had so much fun. Then, I had dinner at Mandarin Dynasty and sooo many people came. Way more than I expected. It was awsome. Then a bunch of people came back to my house and played "What Were You Thinking?". A lot of people left, but Amanda K. and Clarence stuck around and we played "Celebrity Head" until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't end up going to sleep until 7 am, after the sun had well since risen and hid again behind the clouds. All in all it was a great day and a great weekend.
The big 20. I'm now officially "in my 20's". Weird.

A night of merry drunken women. giggling.... about you. and don't you wish you could be here?

tomorrow we leave. to where? why that is the fun of it, i haven't a clue. but it's cold. 40 degrees high. sex and blankets and what else do you need. i have a boy not to drink over. i have a boy that only has silly bad things to be spoken of, his allergy to pussy....(cats). and the like.

laughing awaits and pizza for full bellies..

The gig didn't go so great. There was a lot of awkward flailing trying to get a feel for each other. I think I hurt my voice too. but nothing unrepairable. I guess it wasn't a complete disaster. We were totally on on one song. And when we were on, it was totally awsome and it felt really good. I guess they didn't think I was complete crap though, cause they invited me back for Dec. 3. This time I have a better feel for their style though. They're kinda Blues. That's not exactly it, but I think they're more that than anything else. So, I'm really excited. I love Blues! Blues have always been my genre of Jazz, but I never bothered to explore it (I really don't know why). And now I have an excuse. I think I'm gonna be going to the Mon. jam sessions at Hot Monkey Love Cafe too. I mentioned to this girl I was in a jazz ensemble with that I thought it would be fun to do a show together. And I was thinking about it and I think I wanna do some kind of blues thing. So I'm super excited. I feel like out of nowhere my music has breath again.
A bunch of people came out to see me which was totally sweet of them. And they even sweetly lied about the quality of the music when they left. (not that the band on their own wasn't great, but they were there to see me). I was definitly glade it was over though. All week I've been resisting being sick and now I get to surrender to it. That seems so romantic for some reason. Like reading in your bed in the rain romantic.

SO this is the part where I puke all over myself and out rip my hair. I'm singing tonite having been unable to practice for the past four days, coming into this completely cold and having no idea what to expect. I don't know how many people are coming. I've never heard the band play once before. My voice is definitly not up to parr with what it usually is. I have no idea what order I'm going in, whether I'm singing all nine songs in a row or spread out. Or even whether I'll be up to singing nine songs at all. And five hours before I'm still nursing my throat gently with tea and vitamin c and honey loquat, still too afraid to practice as I might reverse the damage.... so yeah, a little nervous.